Breaking up – the online partnership counseling

Trennung

Dear visitor,
did your partner leave you or is a break-up in the air? Do you still love him or her so much that you would do just about anything to win him or her back?                                                                                                      

Then this is the right site for you!

Don’t get your hopes up too high, though, because it won’t be a walk in the park… Please keep in mind, that unfortunately, there is no patent remedy!

However, there are certain regularities which play a major role in break-ups. In some cases, being aware of those mechanisms can help to influence the leave-taking partner in such a way, that he or she will return.

However, trying to talk someone into staying will not necessarily work out – on the contrary -, it most always increases the leave-taking partner’s wish to break free from all pressure.

What we are trying to do here, on this website, is to analyze and to make transparent the inner forces that play a role in a break-up. If we really want a partner to return to us and to allow more intimacy, reinforcing any counterproductive forces must be avoided. The information we are providing on this website aims at serving you as a guide on how to behave wisely in a heartbreaking situation to such a degree, that you are actually inviting a partner to return.

To those of you who feel great pressure: At the end of this page you will find an add-on with the main points of a strategy that can help you to win your partner’s heart back.

Very often, in life, it is essential that you trust your gut feelings and make decisions based on intuition. But if your relationship is endangered, or if your partner already has broken up with you, it would be wiser for you not to base any of your decisions on emotions.

Your emotions will trap you as sure as death!

Verzweiflung

Your only chance to avert an impending break-up is that you establish just enough distance to your emotions that your actions will become goal-oriented.

However, most people, myself included, find this very hard to do – and so our attempts to keep a partner from leaving are destined to fail. So, if you truly want your partner back, you will have to apply certain strategies.

That means that you will have to become a really good actor or actress and play a role that flies in the face of all that your heart secretly yearns and needs! And this is the problem…!

However, I also know that people who love are able to move mountains when they have faith in themselves and in what they’re doing.

This site is dedicated to people like you, who are in love. The following descriptions will support your search for the path that best suits your specific needs.

Heartbreak as a part of nature’s program

There is some evidence that we know which allows the conclusion that our human species may not be programmed for living in a lifelong monogamy. Along with our increasing longevity, keeping love and passion vibrant in long term relationships may become one of the greater challenges for mankind. While millions of years ago it seems to have been a perfectly normal pattern for our species that couples separated after only a few years and then chose new partners.

In our modern times, a couple that would only stay together for a few years does not provide a good start into life for offspring who needs almost 20 years to mature – and of course nature intended a good start. Actually, to provide a good start, our love pattern should be like that of geese with a lifelong monogamy!

But in our species, the ancient tendency to break up and mate others battles cultural norms and constraints. However, due to recent socio-cultural changes it is today easier than ever to get a divorce with the result that our biological tendencies can surface a lot easier and are now causing a dramatic increase of break-ups and divorces.

Our sub-consciousness initiates the break-up

Break-ups will often be justified with a loss of emotions and the reasons that are given for this loss may cast some light on the psychological forces at work between the two. But what is also interesting is that beneath those superficial reasons, there are subconscious mechanisms at play which keep reinforcing and modifying those reasons in such a way, that they get blown out of proportion and develop into a welcome excuse for a break-up.

The built-in weak spot

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We could also say that we possess a built-in weak spot in our relationships, which is using psychological methods to strike in the end.

So if we wish to keep a long-term relationship vibrant it may take a bit of relationship building. If both partners will make some efforts, the weak spot may not get a chance to unfold its destructive potential. But the greater the imbalance of power between two people, the more likely a break-up will be.

Each relationship is defined by the result of forces which attract or repel the partners. An imbalance occurs, when one of the partners loves or needs the other one more than he is loved or needed. In the beginning of a relationship, minor imbalances of power will usually pass us by because we are viewing the partner through rose-colored glasses, and so accept him or her as she/he is . . . A nifty trick of nature!

But if a relationship is nearing its expiring date, we suddenly seem to be wearing black glasses, which force us to pay much more attention to our sweethearts’ flaws than to their assets.

One partner takes care of the break-up

There are many reasons why relationships become imbalanced! If an imbalance does occur, one of the two becomes more powerful in the relationship, and through this, one will experience a decrease of passion and love for the partner and will end up feeling more detached and independent. One will have more control over the relationship, -simply because the relationship now means less. One also loves less than before, because to have more power also means to feel too safe, which can become a bit boring.

This is a very dangerous state of mind for a relationship, and naturally, the partner will sense it and get upset. One has a sense of what is going on, although not able to pinpoint it, and having to worry about the relationship will cause anxiety and desperation. The fear of a break up, the loss of safety, brooding over the relationship and nagging self-doubt will cause feelings for the subdominant partner to explode into never known dimensions.

In misery, one will now make a capital mistake: Through emotional over-reaction, there is the possibility of causing the partner to withdraw even further in order to create a safety distance, thus causing a tangible risk increase of a separation

Lamenting will make it worse

Diskussion

The worst thing a subdominant can do now is to share worries with the dominant partner, but exactly this is what the heart tells us to do. One is dying to hear reassuring words: that all worries are imagination…. and complete nonsense….

But even if the dominant partner reassures the other in this way, – and reassurance will take place because a partner is not a barbarian – it will only briefly help to stop worrying. The fatal thing about these discussions is, that by making statements like:

„I think we need to talk…” One is actually bringing the relationship closer to a possible end. The Dominant may not even have noticed the imbalance yet, simply because there was not so much attention paid. But now there is no choice, because of the partner’s complaints of not feeling loved as much as before…. that „something is missing” ….. and so forth.

Although the complaints are justified, they will also make one look smaller and weaker in the dominant’s eyes – who can’t help but react in this way. And a small loss of respect will cause a small loss of love….
Therefore, if you are in a situation like this, try to pull yourself together and DON’T make it a topic with your partner, you would only be making things worse.

Also, forget all those pieces of wisdom you read in guidebooks about relationship problems. Even if you were applying a skilled communication technique, avoiding laying blame, you will not get rid of your problem, because you will still be in the position of the needy petitioner!

Of course you can try to talk it over until the cows come home, and until you’re both completely worn out – you can also call it „relationship building“ if you like -, but it will bring you closer to breaking-up, because those discussions are rarely inspiring and much less enjoyable.  It will make the gap between the two of you larger…and not smaller. So, try to stop it – or, much better – don’t even start.

There is one exception:

If the dominant partner initiates a discussion, fine, -but this will rarely be the case. Simply trust that your feelings are not deceiving you and that you are quite capable of judging the situation without a denial or a confirmation from the dominant partner. But do avoid complaining in your own best interest. You will certainly agree this is wise if you consider this:

What is your partner supposed to do after you’ve voiced your concerns? Even if there is admittance to loving you less, what can be done about it? Nothing! It can’t change a thing, because no one can command the feelings.

All you receive is reassurance time and again that everything is ok. But, would the assertions really bring you peace of mind, when you can feel it in the depth of your heart that there is something wrong…? And if an effort to spend more time with you was made, you would probably notice that your partner was strangely absent minded, and not truly ‘with’ you…

Now, in case you’ll address this issue, what will be the likely reply? „What did I do wrong this time?” What’s wrong is, that you are simply not getting the feeling that you are still special, the one and only. And only this feeling would make you feel good.

But how can one give something to you that one doesn’t have…? For this reason, the dominant partner, whether a man or a woman, tries to avoid these discussions like the plague and will try to withdraw into inaccessible realms. Silence is one of those realms, because whatever the dominant partner would do, there is no winning. There is no agreement, because the truth would freak you out. Your partner can’t deceive you or lie to you – also pride as the superior would not allow that to happen. And so silence reigns…..

Of course this vicious circle is bound to bring a couple closer and closer to breaking-up. Eventually, your partner may become an easy prey for a new lover, simply because things have become too stressful and what partner doesn’t simply want to feel light hearted and happy again! These trials and tribulations of modern romantic entanglements have led to millions of break-ups in one form or another, because they start on thin ice:

It is our disposition to medium term relationships, which causes, with time as if by magic, one of the two partners to begin to hack a hole into the thin ice, until eventually both sink into the ice cold ocean of a break-up.

In this phase you have only one chance to improve your relationship: You have to adopt your partner’s detachment and distance yourself as well!

Ambivalence can be the lever

When a relationship becomes imbalanced and steers into a separation, any efforts the subdominant makes to mend it will unfortunately produce a counterproductive effect: Imbalance will increase.
The dominant wants to leave under all circumstances, while the other one is desperately holding on to the relationship and starts clinging. Obviously, this behaviour will shift the power even more to the dominant’s side, and will lose what little feelings are left for the partner.

The question is: Are those feelings completely gone, or only completely buried under the power imbalance?

In the first case when the feelings are completely gone, unfortunately it is all over and at an end. In the other case after the performed separation and then with an established distance, it might be possible that he/she will start thinking about the expartner again.

You have to put yourself in the position of your expartner: as long as being in the relationship the dominant wanted the separation, because the pressure became to strong. Now after the separation is performed, the pressure is gone and things can be reflected a little different.  In this case of antagonism psychologists speak about ambivalence.

It can happen that the husband, having fallen in love with another woman and through this has been able to free himself from the former relationship, will start thinking about his wife again. Now after being together with the other woman, he has control over her, which will automatically lessen his feelings. At the same time he has lost control over his wife and behold, he will start thinking:

„Was it the right thing to do – to break up He has lost a lot, a house, children, friends, and the many years together weren’t all that bad… And what if things don’t work out with the new lover? So far, they only had ‘high life’, but what will happen when the daily routine settles in? What, if things don’t work out then? If necessary, would the break-up be reversible?”

He will be torturing himself with worries and possibly spoil his new happiness just a little bit. In any case, he thinks to himself, he should be especially nice and kind to his ex, partly, because of his guilty conscience, partly, because he is coldly calculating. Actually, he would now love to have both women!

Returning and imbalance

Fotolia_33366970_XS - KopieIf you really want your partner back, you have to make sure that you get rid of the imbalance that existed between the two of you prior to your break up. If you want to fight for him or her this will be your greatest challenge!
But how do you fight for someone? You fight for your Ex, by not fighting at all.

The imbalance exists in part because your Ex knows how much you love. This security, plus the arguments before the break-up, has used up all your partners feelings for you. One partner has initiated the break up and is sure that YOU haven’t digested the break-up. And it’s true, most abandoned partners’ hope that the Ex will return and so leave a backdoor open.

Dramatic farewell letters with oaths of undying love, or accepting the suggestion to stay good friends won’t bring the lost sweetheart back.  You are just giving reassurance that the one who left can drop in whenever lonely, or when things don’t work out with the other. But the type of relationship you want is not achieved in this way and it is very hard for dumped partners to behave as if they had let go completely.

Your ex should not have a clue!

When you will still remember what I prepared you for above, you will now need to use all of your acting abilities: if he just left, the time has now come!

To make it easier for you to act as if you had lost interest, seriously attempt to let go of your partner. Pamper yourself! Try to have fun without him or her! Go out, see friends, because life really has more in store for you than waiting at home if a change of mind takes place on the other side! Please keep in mind that you will be very unattractive to the one who has left if you let your suffering show. Feelings of guilt will rise again for having caused it, but not burning passion, only pity…

If you want to punish in this way you’ll be hurting yourself even more. The best punishment is, of course, if he or she sees how happy you are without them. This will be a blow for the ego, because of the thinking „how irresistible I am” for you! The hunting instinct will wake up from its slumber, so you better take advantage of the vanity!

However, if you are too crushed to play actor or actress, -and that’s easily possible, – then you better go into hiding for a while and lick your wounds. Try to get over the loss where you won’t come across your Ex. As long as you don’t have the strength to hide your suffering, stay away from him or her. Date others instead! Perhaps s/he will hear this „through the grapevine”….?.

Don’t initiate a contact! If there are things you need to organize with your ex, be matter of fact and businesslike. No bitching and no side blows! The realization would be that you’re still suffering – because you still love.

Always keep in mind the imbalance must vanish, before a re-discovery of feelings can take place!

If a new love caused the break-up it may take quite a while until s/he will approach you again – if at all. Just prepare yourself that s/he won’t and then you’ll have a good chance. In case you are still married, contacts will arise automatically. S/he’ll be worried about you and call or SMS you every now and then to find out how you’re doing. Those contacts are tests, where s/he wants to check your emotions! Stay noncommittal!
Never pour your heart out! This would be highly counterproductive! Avoid longer conversations with him or her on the phone, as much as you may be craving it. You will no doubt give yourself away eventually. There should not be the faintest idea that you are still interested! With those calls your Ex only wants to keep up the control over you. Don’t allow that to happen! You will remain on the backburner until hell freezes over.
Don’t wait by the phone for his or her call. Leave your cell phone at home or don’t answer it.
Don’t always be available whenever s/he happens to feel like talking to you. Don’t reply to an SMS on the spot. Your Ex has to get the feeling that s/he is not as important to you anymore. S/he knows only too well, where s/he can arrange to bump into you if s/he really wants to!

If s/he wants to meet you for a cup of coffee, don’t oblige right away. Say that you don’t have the time just now and suggest a later date. If your time schedule is not accepted, very well, then you won’t get together at all! Rest assured that there will be another try!

I admit this game can be nerve-wracking. And if you can’t see it through, because you’re dying to get together, you won’t allow the re-discovery of his or her feelings for you and the return. It’s like playing poker – if you can’t keep up your poker face you’ll lose. It appears as if love is not for the faint of heart. It’s survival of the fittest and – most of all – a game between equals. So the imbalance has to go!

That said, let’s now imagine that you and your Ex are having a date and are sitting in a café. This will be a hard practical test for you and also a great chance to come a bit closer to your Ex! However, what you may never do is talk about the separation. Try to avoid talking about it at all costs. All you would do is reveal regret and display how much you still hang on every word s/he says. If you feel you are not yet strong enough for this, you better abstain from meeting your Ex at all, as it would only make things worse. In case your Ex feels like talking about the break-up, don’t join in – it’s „not important anymore”, „not worth mentioning”.

Talk about neutral things-which interest the other. No emotional stuff, at no point may you reveal your interest in this. The conversation should be casual, light hearted small talk. And – very important -, after a while you should take a look at your watch, and mention that „oh, time passed by so quickly”, and „unfortunately”, you already have to leave ….

Sex has to wait

gisiIf you are a woman, and your date went well, and your ex has been flattering you and flirting with you, please resist the temptation to take him home with you. Let it be! It won’t help you, not yet. It is way too early! He would leave you in the morning saying it was wonderful, but that he is confused and how or if this should continue, and leave you behind feeling sad and lonely, staring at the phone again, waiting and suffering.

Don’t do that to yourself! The longer you play the above strategy, the more your partner will get emotionally entangled with you again. You already suffered so much because of him; so don’t make it too easy for him now! HE wanted the separation, and now you’re not so easy to have anymore, especially after all you went through because of him.

Once you left the café, there is a good chance the ex remains behind just a little sad that you’re already gone and will miss your company. In the evening, there will be thoughts of you and wishing you were there. Only if such feelings arise will there be regrets because of the break-up! If you say „yes” too soon, these feelings can’t grow and the imbalance will be back sooner than you think.

      After the break-up is before the break-up

When you’re finally back together with your ex everything is so wonderful….. but for how long? The time you spent apart from each other, as well as your skilful strategy after the break-up have accomplished the reconciliation, you have overcome the crisis, ruffled feathers are smoothed over and while the daily routine is slowly returning, all the drama and uncertainty belong to the past. If you now believe that this was it, in all likelihood you’ll learn otherwise.

One by one, as time goes by, old problems and issues will surface again. Therefore, now would be a perfect time for starting relationship counselling!
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Exceptions

Of course, there are no rules without exceptions. As I already mentioned above, you fight best for your partner, by not fighting at all. However, this fundamental rule is not valid in one special case:

When the subdominant partner gives up the relationship and leaves

When the one who loves more leaves-

As I already mentioned above, it’s more than likely a part of our human nature which causes many relationships to become unbalanced and after a while fall apart, unless the protagonists can handle the situation. The polarization of forces within the relationship will produce a ‘relationship underdog’, or ‘subdominant’, with strong emotions and adherence, as well as the counterpart, the ambivalent dominant, whose feelings are decreasing and who is wondering if a separation wouldn’t be better.

Usually, the dominant will initiate the break-up; on the one side, because of not being able to handle the stress and arguments anymore, but mostly, because there is hardly any love left. But sometimes, it will be the subdominant who’s leaving – not, because there is no feeling of love anymore – but because of rational considerations.

In a quiet minute, perhaps after an argument, or in a state of frustration and resignation, reasoning may urge a pulling of the emergency brake before a break down. The inner voice will be speaking: „It’s better to leave, because the relationship has nothing else to offer but disappointment, pain, and suffering”.

If subdominants get ready to leave, they are overcome by infinite resignation, their heart may be bleeding, but their reason tells them: „You have to go, it’s better this way….” And more often than not, it would indeed be better, and they should stick to their decision. But usually, the dominant rediscovers the long lost feelings for the unloved partner exactly in the very moment of declaration: „It’s over, I’m out of here”.

Only now, that the subdominant has made the cut will the Dominant realize how important the partner still is. The subdominant has taken over control by making a rational decision, although against the will of ones heart as well as the partners.

It has cost quite a bit of effort to bring up the necessary courage, and – all at once – it has brought back a lot of the lost power in the relationship – simply because the dominant partner experiences the subdominant as in- dependent.

The tables are turned

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Suddenly, the strong polarization of relationship forces has vanished into thin air; feelings that were hidden deep down inside the dominant‘s sub-consciousness can suddenly surface, and the realization that something immensely precious has been lost will cause suffering and agony.

Sometimes the dominant – who’s now no longer dominant -, will fight for the subdominant, with the same desperation the subdominant once used to fight – and just may be successful. The success is for the reason that the subdominant still loves and is easily convinced by the ardent love vows the dominant now, belatedly, finds at heart.

The subdominant will now often experience an inner struggle between reason and desire. Reason will suggest caution and distrust, while the heart wants to „belong”. More often than not, the heart will win this battle.

And in this way, they can get back together, because through the break-up, the emotional slope of power has been levelled, and the one who once loved less, now has the feeling back. But, both personalities are still the same, and if they miss the chance to work on themselves and their relationship, slowly but surely the polarization will creep back in.

Like a slow poison, it will seep into the relationship and begin to shift the emotional balance once again, with the result that sooner or later one of the two will begin to question their own feelings and ponder if a separation wouldn’t have been better….

Conclusion

As you can tell, dear readers, there are two different psychological types of leaving personalities and if you were left, it is extremely important for you to classify which category your leaving partner belongs to, for the simple reason, that the strategies that will help you to reverse the break-up will slightly differ.

In the first case, which is more common, the leaving person has lost feelings for the left person or they are covered by relationship debris. In this case, it will require a long abstinence of contact to give the leaving partner enough time to rediscover their own feelings. The majority of information on the break-up page will be dealing with this scenario and with suggestions for successful strategies.

In the second case, it will be far easier for you to win your partner back, because you are still loved and your ex’s strong feelings for you will be your ally, since the decision was only based on rational aspects. Since emotions rule our behaviour far more than rational considerations, it should be fairly easy for you to appeal to those feelings and so motivate your partner to take you back.

First of all, you should use a quiet moment to think about why your partner left and if you can work on those trouble spots so the relationship can benefit from a better climate.

After two weeks sit down and write an email, or even better, a handwritten letter with detailed suggestions how you intend to improve the situation and ask him or her to come back. If s/he is clever, or has asked for counseling because s/he was just as crushed as you, s/he will keep you in suspense for a while and postpone the decision a little. In this case avoid asking again under all circumstances. You have thrown the ball into his or her court, now s/he needs to pick it up and return it. Please be patient and wait, no matter how hard it may be.

Your partner has not always felt good in the relationship with you, or else he wouldn’t have broken up – which was certainly a very hard thing for him to do. It is now important for your own self-respect, that you tremble and suffer just a little bit as well, so grant this little triumph and understand it will help to correct the power balance between the two of you. So if s/he is clever, s/he will not cry „hurray” on the spot, but reply in a neutral manner – just be prepared, it’s not negative.

Arrange for a meeting with your ex where you can present your suggestions of how you think you can improve the relationship. It is important that you can offer a plan, or else you won’t be able to convince. The plan is there to talk to the intellect, because you don’t have to worry about the others heart; it’s already on your side. So think of great reasons why you should try again! S/he will be more than happy to consider them.

Dear readers, I hope I didn’t confuse you with this variation of the rapprochement strategy.  Readers often ask why a certain strategy is sometimes recommendable, and at other times it is a grave mistake. In case you are not sure what would be the best solution for you, please feel free to contact me, and I’ll be happy to help. However, please understand that due to the flood of inquiries I am receiving every day, regretfully I can no longer counsel without the consequence of having to charge for the time, simply because there’s just not enough!

In case you would like to deepen your understanding of relationship balance – which is highly recommendable -, you will find several more texts on this site illuminating this important facet of relationship building, for instance „The lazy hubby” or „Secret love”.  Also important is: „He only wants sex” and the „Closeness-distance-problem”.

Closeness-distance-problem touches on relationship balance as well as „Orgasm problems”. The texts within these links don’t contain dry theory, but a selection of real life examples which are easy to read and, if you will, quite entertaining while passing on the keys to solutions at the same time.

In the hourglass text of my relationship theory site (is yet under construction) „distribution of power” might be interesting for you , as well as the essay: „If he has the power, there is nothing she can do”.

In case you are not interested in the psychobiological background of human behaviour, just skip those passages, as they don’t have priority for you. I’m only pointing you to these sites, because quite often, the failing of relationships is closely tied to an imbalance in the relationship, and the more you will know about this, the easier it will be for you to understand the intricate details of your own relationship and how to heal it. Of course you will have countless variations of the theme, but I am confident you will be able to pick out what is useful for you and to work with that.

Now, once a new start is in the air, or you are already back together, it is of crucial importance for you that you eliminate the weak spots in your relationship. The material provided for you on this site is meant as a support in your endeavor to make your relationship work.

 

Supplement break-up

~ Behaviour strategies to win your ex back ~

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Each day anxious internet surfers contact me with inquiries about break-up. Despite the above tips, many still feel a need to make 100% sure which strategy would best serve their purpose. Here is a summary of important points that you need to keep in mind if you plan on winning your Ex back.

1)  For some reason, the power within your relationship shifted to the side of your ex, who, as a result, has lost a part of his feelings for you, and now assumes there is no longer love for you. You have been left alone, yet you wish to save the relationship. Because of your interest, and the others lack thereof, you are no longer on the same eye-level.

2)  To meet at eye level again, you have to strictly avoid contact. If you have to solve organizational problems, any pressure via reproaches must be avoided.

3)  To cope with pain and loss the partner who has been left alone should seek comfort and support in a circle of friends. In severe cases of heartbreak, it is recommendable to accept the communication social institutions are offering for emergencies. It may be very helpful to seek psychological guidance. Severe depression with suicidal tendencies should be treated with proper medication.

4)  Having no contact will create distance, which, along with the lack of pressure will allow the leaving partner to view things from another angle and to feel nostalgic and wistful, resulting in the wish to see the ex.

5)  After weeks of being separated, the leaving partner will feel a loss of control over the left partner and will begin to long for the partner again, especially, if the partner has not fallen in love with someone else, or a new relationship turns out to be disappointing.

6)  Often, the leaving partner tries to arrange meeting the left partner in a casual, incidental way, in order to keep him or her on the backburner so that a turnaround can take place if it is desired. But: The left partner should keep the other at a distance, stay neutral and detached, and leave the needy ex in doubt if one still feels love. Only through this, the ex feels insecure enough that love may grow.

If you don’t hear anything from your ex for a longer period of time, – hold out and wait. Be sure that you have not been forgotten! It’s hard to give an exact time frame after which you can initiate a contact yourself, but 4 weeks will certainly be too short. It would be great if you could hold out 2 months! After so much time one could arrive at the conclusion that you too have given up on the relationship. It is exactly this notion that will allow love to resurrect the dead! If you plan contact, your reason for doing so must have the most casual and neutral quality that you can think of.

7)  Writing a letter, – which is something many people feel like doing, – is completely counterproductive, because you are revealing way too much interest with this, unless you just send a harmless email, asking for one of your books, or something of that nature. But it would be much better if you simply bumped into each other by coincidence. If a positive feeling has developed for you in the meantime, a little, casual chat will follow. If not, you may hope for an email after a day or two.

8)  If you talk on the phone and you are asked out for a cup of coffee, don’t say „Yes” right away! There shouldn’t be the impression that you are simply dying to have contact again! Negotiate about a date that you can fit into your full memo book after a week or two. If there is no time from the other side, postpone it even more! Your partner should not be in a position where he makes decisions over your time and you oblige. This would only re-introduce the power imbalance that took place in the past, and this must be prevented from happening!

9)  When you meet again for the first time, there should not be any conversation about the relationship and the break-up, just have a friendly, cheerful, relaxed small talk about this and that. You ex should get the impression that you are not crushed at all, that you are happy and content, that you are in charge of your life,- and only these positive attributes will make you appear attractive and desirable.

If a date of this nature appears like too huge of a challenge for you and like a hard test, it is an unfortunate platform to start from. You’ll be on your hind legs to be perfect, and the pressure to perform will make you clumsy and destroy all the calm grace and superiority you need to come across as natural. However, by choosing harmless and neutral topics you will diminish this risk and if you can have a good laugh about something the ice should soon be broken. This first date should not last too long and should be terminated by you.

10)  All further re-approaching each other must be done quite subtly. The left person should avoid the slightest form of pressure on the leaving partner and hold back the wish for further meetings. Ideally, it should be the leaving partner who asks the left partner for another date. And the left partner should refrain from demonstrating too much affection and always remain a bit more reserved than the other. This slow and cautious approach will help to establish and preserve a new power balance on solid grounds and will help to assure that the leaving partner will fall in love again.

11)  You, as the partner who has been left, have to make sure you know the difference between the two psychological types of a leaving partner:

Type one has emotional reasons for the break-up, the thinking that there are no feelings left for the ex.

Type two has rational reasons for leaving and thinks it would be better to leave, although the heart is still feeling love.

An ex who is type one needs a long pause before contact and type two needs to hear good reasons why a new start will benefit both of you.
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My best wishes to you all!

Your relationship doc

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