Discussions are relationship killers – the online counseling

 (Part 7 from: The Man-Woman-conflict from evolutionary-psychological view)
(How spiritual assessments from the primeval times guide and influence love relationships)

Discussions are relationship killers


© Rido / fotolia.com

Let us go back to our neglected housewife, who complains to her husband that he doesn’t love her enough anymore and that she misses attention.

Like already mentioned, a complaint like this does not help. It even is counterproductive it the highest measure.

The woman could proceed for herself on the assumption that her assessment is applicable, but an extra hint toward her problem plunges her husband into a dilemma which he won’t be able to overcome.

Thus: The knowledge, that the partner in ones relationship has a problem with himself, does not constitute a requirement, which has to be given to solve the problem. This knowledge blocks in a peculiar way the solution of the problem.

If the man knows that his wife does not feel loved and valued enough, he cannot approach his wife on his own, because this knowledge takes away his freedom to do so. The relationship dynamic of such a situation is paradox and characterized by the fact that the husband, the higher ranking in this case due to his decreased needs, would have to subordinate to his lower ranking wife, in order to fulfill her demands.

This situation would cost him his rank. This is why his subconsciousness, which has sort of a protective function, puts resistance to the issue.

Primates live in hierarchical social structures

Humans have these deep imbedded behavioral and motivational tracks in common with many mammals, reptiles and birds. In general, humans possess a strong inclination to gain attention, recognition, worthiness and power within the social groups in which they move. These needs are so omnipresent, so subtle and nuanced woven into our interpersonal interactions, that we hardly notice them ourselves.

These tendencies rather leap out when we look at our beloved fellow humans as we get angry over their image neurosis and craving for recognition. The neuron switching circuit, which sets the course in our brain for such a behavior, are dozens of millions of years old.

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Hierarchical organized primates: left Baboons, right Mandrill / © Wouter Tolenaars & Alb. C / fotolia.com

When humans get together to engage in common topics, may it be at the work place, the rabbit – breeding-club, in the circle of friends, or in a large political party, subconscious processes of the mutual influence deploy, establish or obtain a hierarchy. Because our whole social behavior is infiltrated by this endeavor, we could see this pursuit of rank and reputation as the universal human guiding theme.

He does not want to be like she wants him to be

These mechanisms are the reason that passion deserts us when we do something of which we know that another person links expectations to it, provided the other person is inferior to and not involved in any rivalry with us. The more a behavior forfeits its voluntariness, the more drastically does its emotional quality change. Perhaps now, one or the other can develop understanding for our poor husband, who really is to be sorry for, because he is stuck and completely disabled.

He cannot do anything with the plea of his wife for more dedication, because his motivational centers, which run through the right hemisphere, are spontaneous phenomenons and therefore not influenceable by willpower. Besides, his urge for power can impossibly befriend the situation that he should display lovingly behavior, knowing that his wife is awaiting it.

His urge for power even adds on to this: If he already possessed a low willingness to express loving gestures – before his wife demanded it, it is now completely despicable for him to affectionately speak to her or even show her his appreciation. In less blatant cases, or with a more docile husband, a wife can trigger goal oriented behaviour patterns with her complaint, which are based on insight, but aren’t carried by big emotions and therefore soon die out again…..

Did a man get into the habit, for example to give flowers, because his wife desires this as proof of love, he will surely delight her with this. The wife must not give into the deception that this action is accompanied by the same emotional depth like in the early stage of the relationship when he courted her and brought flowers in masses. But I assume that a woman has exactly that aspect in mind when she voices such wishes. If a long-term relationship erodes due to everyday life and habit, then its psychological quality changes forcibly as well. Most of the time, one can live very well with it, while the other ones soul withers away.

Often, it is women who suffer from this because men can handle an emotional distance in a relationship easier, or are rather the originators of it. Mostly, they raise bitter accusations carried by desperation, because they don’t know how to handle the situation. By this, the attempt is made to oblige him forcefully to closeness, so to speak, with the subconscious hope that his feelings will eventually follow. This fundamental misjudgment is the reason for many failed relationships and the initial position for the start of the feared vicious cycle.

She can say what she wants


© W. Heiber Fotostudio / fotolia.com

He has great power and dominance over his wife because his security undermines his need for closeness. In opposite, she appears to him like a poor little thing who longs for his attention.

The pursuit of power over others, which inheres in each of us, disables him to approach his wife in an unbiased way. This, as explained above, would be tied to the loss of his upper hand. Consequently, he will stand against her attempt of dominance with energetic resistance.

His subconsciousness interprets the attempted exertion of influence by his wife as such – even if he admits on a logical level that she possibly is right.

She will always make the subject “boil up” again and both will get into the undertow of the self-strengthening vicious cycle, because she thinks she is right anyway. These quarrels, which tend to go hand in hand with tears and uncontrolled temper tantrums, humiliate the wife in the eyes of her husband more and more, thus, increase his superiority. His wives emotional dependency distinctly emerges and signalizes him that he has achieved complete control over the relationship.

The achievement of complete control through a system is always linked with a disappearance of the initial emotions, like I have already mentioned several times. It is particularly referred to, that this occurrence complies with the husband’s intention in only very rare cases; ordinarily it levels itself out just like that. Anyone who is stuck in such a situation is hopelessly at mercy of the emotional powers….

The relationship of a couple polarizes itself more and more with time. The roles are clearly distributed: One plays the assailant, the other the defender. One wants to talk constantly, while the other fears these discussions like the devil fears holy water. The woman recognizes her powerlessness instinctively and she can feel that she has to get out of this position. Some will use any means to achieve this, which leads the couple to get wound up in each other even more….

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