Security versus lust – the online counseling

(Part 10 from: The Man-Woman-conflict from evolutionary-psychological view)
(How spiritual assessments from the primeval times guide and influence love relationships)

When she is at odds with his arousal


© Henry Schmitt /

Women, who don’t have a good approach to their sexual self – for whatever reasons – or women, who are erotically fixated on volatile relationship versions, will only feel sufficient lust for sexuality in the early stages of the relationship. Former, because they already start from the beginning with a lower libido and get exhausted sooner, and others, because they need volatility to get aroused.

Security and predictability, which result as the relationship goes further, will rob the erotic attraction of their men extensively. Women like that could become very dysfunctional in their way of sexual reaction, if they detect signs of strong male arousal. In practice, it can look like the woman gets initially sexually aroused as well when it comes to physical closeness.

Indeed, this is only the case until she begins to assess his level of arousal higher than her own. Hence, this point in time is crucial because her subconsciousness realizes thereby, that her sexual power over him is greater than in reverse – since it is she who arouses him more. Her sexual arousal can deflate like a bubble in such a case.

All females in the animal kingdom lose their mood for mating abruptly if they can occupy a dominant and superior position towards a male. This “mammal pattern” is most likely still preserved very strongly in the genes of our women. The evolutionary-psychological mechanism behind this emerged out of the female’s selection pressure that only the best male should be just good enough.

If his subconsciousness recognizes a difference when booting up the sexual arousal, which turns out in his disfavor, this will interpret her value as a partner higher as his.

This constitutes criteria of exclusion for her, which obstructs her sexual motivation immediately. These old behavior programs, dozens of millions of years old, are not getting abrogated by an otherwise qualitatively good twosome-relationship. They can even get promoted by it in a paradox kind of way.

The female orgasm, respectively the female sexual appetence obviously represents something like an evolutionary relationship diagnostic agent, which analyses the distribution of power in a couple very clearly. Correspondingly, on average, the female orgasm is harder to trigger than the male one. Through the release of the couple binding hormone Oxytocin during the orgasm, a strengthening of the female commitment takes place. It seems logical to want to abrogate this commitment mechanism, if the man is the wrong one or not the right one anymore, after a subconscious female analysis….

Security versus lust


© jurra8 /

Similar mechanisms take place with a different type of woman, although the starting position is totally different: Strong subconscious fears of being abandoned play the leading part here and therefore, the need for security and consistency is very great.

This type of woman is solely drawn to those men, who show behavior which will not activate those fears. Because these men are often very considerate and gentle to her, she reaches a stage of security and trust, which is determining for her and without it she would not get involved in marriage.

The partner, who is in a relationship with her, ends up inevitably in an inferior position, because he is forced subconsciously to strongly follow her suit. This psychological constellation gives her – often in an unintentional way – the dominance of the relationship and at the same time – on a deep emotional level – gives her an inhibition of her sexual processing neuronal circuits. The marriage will be shaped by the problem of a low sexual need on her side, which increases drastically when she becomes a mother and the infant is the center of her attention.

Men do everything wrong

Fotolia_50889876_XS - Kopie

© lassedesignen /

In situations like this, men react with a behavior which even increases the evil and thus, brings the already meager libido of their women to an ultimate low point. Such a couple is completely in a jam.

A woman neither can, nor wants to give an answer when she is asked by her husband for the reasons of her listlessness. If she would be honest to him and herself, she would admit that he is as appealing to her like a brother. She does not want to phrase it that way because then, her relationship, in which she, apart from that feels well and secure, would be in jeopardy.

So, she keeps silent, hoping that maybe someday the condition will get better by itself. However, the husband is usually possessed from the thought to get to know her reasons that justify her rejection. He does this with the idea of being able to change something in order to bring an end to the nightmare.

Through this, he is exactly at the same point as the wife mentioned above, who complained to her husband about lack of attention. Talking does not only do nothing, but even increases the evil, because it is about an emotional problem and often about an askew balance of power. The situation is paradox because it reminds us of a drowning person who is stuck in the swamp and gets closer and closer to his end, as he tries desperately to free himself. This is like the wife mentioned above, who fails at the attempt to pressure her husband into giving her closeness. The husband will fail if he directly tries to trigger her sexual desire.

Women pressure themselves to change the situation because they secretly have a bad conscience about it. This never ends with positive results because they are not able to trigger lust for themselves with the effort of will. The couple gets pulled into the self-strengthening cycle even further, due to unfit approaches to the problem. The cycles rotation interchanges cause and effect – but with the result, that he only think about sex and she gets nauseous by the mere thought of it. This problem can strain a working relationship over time so badly, that one or both contemplate to give up.

In less blatant cases – where he is more adept and she is still willing to be talked to – she will certainly list the one or the other thing about the relationship she does not like, when he asks her.

Both huddle together and mutually look for an option to move obstacles out of the way for her. Even if it sounds mature and sensible, it is not accompanied by great chances of success. In this field she has a lot of power over the relationship because she hardly feels sexual needs – often not even for other men.

Because the loss of her libido is connected to the security and predictability of her relationship – again, security is a synonym for power – her control will automatically increase further, if he displays himself solicitous to do everything for her to get her lust back.

The more he is now deferring to his wife – sometimes up to self-humiliation – the more weight she carries in the relationship and the more she feels secure the less libidinous she will be.

He has to demonstrate compliance all the way, otherwise she will sulk over every triviality, and upset women have no willingness for sex for days or even weeks. I admit it is worded quite drastically, nevertheless:

A great emotional ascendance of a woman in a relationship is a first-class lust killer for each one.

Over millions of years, women have been embossed deep inside themselves toward attractive male attributes, which embody strength, power and supremacy. To strike a chord with the strong sexual attraction, which the alpha boss of a pre-humanoid troop of monkeys formerly exerted toward his females.

Thus, it is very important for a man not to be overly considerate and permissive out of pure habit – ordained situations certainly excluded, since such behavior acts like a break for the sexual center of her brain.

Naturally, many women will protest now, because they wish for exactly this behavior in men. But ladies please, think about it, if he does what you want, to lift you above everything else, ect….surely you will have a good and comfortable life – however most of you will miss something anyway.

To keep or gain back his sexual attraction, it’s very important for a man in the 21st century, to be the alpha male in her eyes – at least a little bit every once in a while.

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