Sex and status – the online counseling

(Part 14 from: The Man-Woman-conflict from evolutionary-psychological view)
(How spiritual assessments from the primeval times guide and influence love relationships)

I would like to show you with the following two relationship examples (one & two), just how tightly sexuality and status are connected in the head of a man. (Of course, all personal data is fictional!).

Losers lose the lust for sex


© Bernd Leitner /

John was department manager in a big company, which manufactures electronic components. He has been unemployed for half a year because his company declared bankruptcy.

John is 34 years old and has been married to Eva, 29, since three years. Eva is an attractive chief secretary. So far, both have lead a very good marriage and their mutual sexuality left nothing to be desired.

From one day to the other however, John was not the lover that Eva knew anymore: All of a sudden, He suffered from premature ejaculation joint with erectile dysfunction, which affected his capability to have an erection. An extensive urological diagnosis didn’t show any pathological discrepancies. Organically, John was absolutely healthy.


Viagra © Schlierner /

His erection capabilities got better with potency boosting medication, but the premature ejaculation could not be influenced; which burdened him emotionally a lot. He lost all interest on sexual activities because of the constant failures. He completely withdrew from his wife and even avoided harmless everyday endearments, which made her very sad.

His wife could not handle the situation and did not know what to make out of it because John was not able to provide explanations. Therefore, she assumed silently that he had no erotic interest in her anymore. This misunderstanding constantly lead to an irritable mood turned into fierce arguments because of trivialities and lingered for days. Eva decided to go on a three week vacation with her friend, to gain distance from her unfortunate marital situation.

John knew a female apprentice from his company who was now, just like him on the street, and with whom he talked on the phone every now and then. Sabine had already made moon-eyes at him in the company and feeling lonely, he asked her out for coffee.

It happened like it was bound to: Eventually they exchanged endearments and later on they had sex. He forgot his potency pills due to all the excitement, but that did not matter because he had a glorious erection and was able to sustain – without ejaculating prematurely.

Dysfunction with deeper meaning

When bodily dysfunctions occur in humans, such as premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction or some other symptom, it is important not to lose sight of the fact that such dysfunctions could be an adaptation to previous stages of development.

If such archaic mechanisms activate themselves nowadays – which they have no business in being at – then they only cause trouble. Evolutionary-biological knowledge can help to classify bodily dysfunctions psychologically and to comprehend them as part of a superior regulation principle, which is immensely important for the elimination of those symptoms.

Which evolutionary-psychological importance could John`s sexual failure have for Eva?

Very simple: John is not a suitable sexual partner for her.

This assessment hit his subconsciousness against his will. To understand this evolutionary mechanism, which sets the course in the emotional underground, it is useful to take a look at the animal kingdom. All higher evolved animals have to master this basic problem when it comes to reproduction.

The males rival very heavily for the lovely females here, like already mentioned. This rivalry usually made them bigger, stronger and more aggressive than the females.

Males have to switch very quickly from fighting to mating, because it is important for them to court the love interest immediately after chasing away the rival; yet before a new competitor appears in the scene.

Aggressive impulses with a propensity to be dominant always exist next to “emotions of love”, even toward females. These females only yield to the “victory types” and it is evident that they are not afraid of females or feel that they will not measure up to them.

If it does happen once in the animal kingdom, that a male is inferior to a female because it is too young and inexperienced for example, the female will lose any mating mood immediately because she does not take the male seriously and thus thinks of him as being unfit.

At the same time, he “knows” that she is out of his league. This insight takes away, for logical reasons, any wish to continue his conquest attempts because it would be a pure waste of time. For such a male, biologically it pays off to look for a more suitable partner.

These ancient phylogenetic adaptations exist among most of the vertebrate and also among us humans. This is the reason why for men, erotic emotions are not compatible with fear, but all the more very much with aggression and dominance.

It is reversed with the ladies: Their sexuality is not compatible with dominance, but in a way with fearfulness and submissiveness.

I know: It is a very dangerous and delicate subject. I do believe however, that you already „got to know” me a little bit and are aware of that this is the opinion of a completely neutral observer of nature, who does not perform personal judgment and who, above all, does not want to express that men should terrify and frighten their wives. 😉

But now, we come back to John, our case example and his sexual dysfunction:

John has always been an ambitious man, who wanted to go places in his life. This is why he was especially proud of his manager position and his self-esteem was solely fed by this source. His wife had a good job as well, but she could certainly not match up to his position.

Personality activates the archaic mechanism

The loss of his job shook John massively. The alpha male toppled down the imaginary ladder of ranks, all the way to the bottom. Secretly, he feels deeply ashamed toward his wife, as if his unemployment is attributable his own fault. This loss of status makes it impossible for him to have a satisfying sexuality with his wife. Not even the fact that his wife evaluates the situation completely different and does not see him as an underachiever at all, changes this.

At any rate, he is experiencing, on a subconscious level, that his wife is now superior and intimidating and sees himself as a wimp, whom it is not granted to copulate with such a high ranking female…The activated restraint mechanism throttles the blood flow to his best piece, making it limp and functionless.

Sex was dangerous

Yet another word to premature ejaculation:

Copulating lions

Lions: copulation © Alta Oosthuizen/

In the entire animal kingdom, the sexual unification is a dangerous act for the couple. Copulating animals are noticeable and distracted, which easily makes them a victim of natural enemies. This is the reason why the act of copulation is mostly relatively short in the animal kingdom.

With humans, sexuality is, next to reproduction, yet the important function in the bonding of the couple. Nature equipped the sexuality of humans with a luxurious length of time, to boost the sexual indulgence.

In prehistoric times, this was connected with the risk to get eaten by a saber-tooth tiger. Naturally, evolution found a way to decrease that risk: the premature ejaculation. The premature ejaculation is most likely not a new invention, but an activation of the old pre-human copulation pattern, which switches on automatically, when the man sees himself exposed to a threatening situation.

Did a prehistoric man see a saber-tooth tiger sneaking up during the act of love, he ejaculated on the spot and the couple bolted away very quickly.

The neuronal switching circuit, which is responsible for the ejaculation reflex, is located in the sacral section of the spinal marrow. It gets shifted to arousal by sexual activity and gets charged up further by fear, which instantly cuts the act of love short or supposed to cut it short….

The assumption is obvious that John now experiences his wife as threatening, like she was the saber-tooth tiger herself, due to his loss of potency. 😎

He is the alpha with her

However, he still looks at Sabine the way she used to be: a little female apprentice, who adores her boss. The big difference in rank still exists, which is important for him to be able to function sexually, because he still sees himself as the alpha male towards her. The malice of these sexual dysfunctions is the fact that they have undergone an expansion in modern times. Physical love, as a form of expression of the modern achieving society, contains the seed of the male failure…. The archaic reflex gets activated by the fear of not being good enough when having sex.

Here is a small example:

Sex with prostitutes

A shy, sexual inexperienced young man lets his friends animate him to visit a brothel, to finally get experience with women.

A prostitute certainly represents perfection in manly experience for him. A precarious interpersonal situation when it concerns the balance of power. To make the misery complete, his friends chose an attractive lady for him, who he would be tongue-tied to in real life.

One cannot even speak rudimentarily about male superiority. Psychologically entirely predictable, he is naturally not capable of even achieving the smallest erection. This experience digs itself deep into his soul…

Later, as the young man falls in love with a girl and she reciprocates his feelings much to his delight, he is naturally awaiting the first time with her with anxious expectations. The attempt, like some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy, ends up similar as with the prostitute back then:

The excitement and fear, which undermine the self-esteem, will not let a normal manly reaction disposition happen, for the reasons stated above.

Let’s imagine this situation in another case: A young girl, under “lucky circumstances”, makes the acquaintance of someone famous, whom she always fancied and who now shows sexual interest in her.

She will be just as excited when having sex, because she is terribly afraid not to be good or attractive enough…..Despite this adverse circumstance or exactly for that reason, she will experience a night of love, which she will still be daydreaming about when she is in a retirement home.  😎 Evolution has created men and women so differently.

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