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Sex-dates only – online counseling

I love him, but he only wants sex…!”
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In counselling, women frequently complain about feeling trapped in relationships that are only about sex.

They wonder why they always seem to end up in the same pattern of „sex dates only”, like some men who wonder why theyalways end up as the close friend of a woman, but never as her lover.

 

Fotolia_30483588_XSMen who find themselves in the role of an attractive woman’s good friend will often assist her in all sorts of things. They offer their emotional support, time and other ressources, and are frequently taken advantage of by the woman – but then, surprisingly, they find their lovely enchantress having sex with other men. To do the fair gender justice, their behaviour is rarely intentional, it runs in subconscious tracks and their admirers fight over courting them.

 

Everything in nature serves a purpose. Evolution favoured women with refined manipulative skills, because their children had better survival chances! In other words, finesse is a part of woman’s nature.

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However, if some women stumble across an attractive „Don Juan” – who reduces partnerships to merely sexual encounters -, they suddenly seem to be bereft of all the subtle tricks nature, over the past millions of years, has equipped them with.

They live in unhappy „relationships” – degraded to sex slaves who are not entitled to payment, actually to nothing at all -, because Don Juan successfully refuses to engage in any other form of relationship. („Lazy hubby” also offers some advice for this problem)

Unfortunately, only a blatant emotional power imbalance will force a woman into accepting domination.

 

Let me perhaps give you an example of how an attractive young woman can trap herself in a mere sex date affair, where he is not in love with her and only wants sex.

 Sex date affairs and love

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Suzanne is 27. She is a truly attractive single nurse and has a lot going for her, but unfortunately, she seems to be unlucky in love. So far, two of her relationships have ended after 3-4 years and a few other ones were even shorter. So while she has some experience with relationships, it doesn’t seem to help her find a husband.

Quite understandably she is feeling miserable about her girlfriends getting married one after the other.

Right now, she is in love again, but her dream man doesn’t seem to be overly engaged. Three times a week he will work out in a gym and afterwards he’s too tired to go out with her. On his weekends, he will hang out with his friends and colleagues, instead of spending some time with her. Needless to say Suzanne is jealous, and not to say the least, but because he could meet someone else.

Quite sadly she told me: „I think he only needs me for sex, and that’s not what I had in mind!” So, Suzanne feels unhappy and helpless. She has no idea what she could change, in case this situation is her fault. Upon inquiry she also shared that she had sex with him on the second date. „We both wanted it that way!” she was quick to add, but also said that he had dropped an early hint how important sex was to him…

Again, Suzanne finds herself trapped in the same old „sex date” pattern that she has suffered through before and of which she has no idea why it developed, or how to work herself out of it.

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Dear reader, as you may have noticed, one of my pillars in counselling is our evolution. Nature, or evolution, is more or less responsible for our behaviour.
Human interaction and especially love will become much more transparent if we know the evolutionary background our actions have. For this reason it is so important to me to pass on some related information to you.
On the other side I am perfectly aware of the fact that not everybody will take an interest in evolution, especially when you have an urgent problem.
If that’s how you feel, just skip those explanations and focus on the advice that I will also provide throughout the text instead.
Of course I hope that you will also take some time to read the explanations, since they can improve your ability to cope with your specific problem. You may be able to view your life from a completely new angle!

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Let’s return to Suzanne now, our unhappy nurse. Suzanne has a special erotic aura about her, and I’m pretty sure her boyfriend noticed this first as well. In general, men notice sex appeal first. And in contrast to her, he probably hasn’t spent a single thought about her qualities as a spouse and parent: his priority is sex.

But why did a promising start only develop into casual sex dates? Why didn’t he madly fall in love with a gorgeous girl like Suzanne?

The answer is simple: She had not given him a chance to fall in love!

For one, Suzanne is on the pill and so she didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant.

Secondly, she was afraid to get dumped if she made too much of a fuss about sex, and thirdly, she found him „so sweet” that she wanted it as well.
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But – the laws of falling in love are following a strict script which hasn’t changed in millions of years and if we deviate from it, we have to pay a price for that.

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These laws of love and courtship govern our motivation today just as they always have. If we know their original purpose, we also know what nature intended, and in case things go awry, we also know why.

That said, before a primeval woman allowed a man to have sex with her, she first had to check him for good genes and then for a good sense of family. She also had to make 100 % sure that he was in love with her – and madly so. Too much was at stake for her! It would have been a disaster for her if she got pregnant from a dude who then dumped her!

A mere sexual relationship wouldn’t have been a guarantee that he stayed around and helped to raise the kids and so she was forced to choose her mate very wisely. But of course, her test runs cost her some time, -but in this time, love would arise in the man and join desire.

Crazy about her because she’s being difficult

In ancient times, a woman was always torn between: Should I? –Or shouldn’t I?”
In the ensuing back and forth a woman totally confused a man.

Fotolia_53286064_XS - KopieIf one minute he thought that he had finally conquered her heart, the next minute he feared losing her forever. Her constant back and forth caused him such a rollercoaster of emotions that he soon stopped thinking about anything else.

If she was skilful, she granted him just a tiny bit of territory, but made him feel like he’s won a kingdom.
He felt this way, because his brain’s reward centre produced hormones called opiates, which made him feel high and happy.

 

 Evolution may be utilizing female hesitation to bind him emotionally

Of course a woman always knows that her delaying tactics might also backfire and scare a man away. The fear of losing him will then force her to come closer and if he jumps at the occasion, she will automatically withdraw again. This obligatory pre-banter is a gamble for high stakes: to stay in control over what will happen next.

This game is a subconscious stop-and go-strategy and leads to an emotional synchronisation of the couple and to mutual love.

Men think of sex first

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If we now view Suzanne’s situation in the light of the above scenario, it suddenly dawns on us why she only ended up in sex dates. While already affected by a last minute panic, she met her dream man and this made it impossible for her to deal with it in a playful, casual and light-hearted manner. She felt very early that she wanted to get serious with him: Steady relationship, marriage and children.

That’s also why she couldn’t play her complete role in the script! Remember? On the pill, she didn’t have to worry about a pregnancy like our primeval woman, who stopped right here to test him. Driven by her worries, the cave-woman played „hard to get” and created a back and forth which totally confused him, but through this, he had time to develop respect and love for her.

But Suzanne was already sure that she wanted him. She jumped into bed with him without testing him and without giving him enough time to develop deeper feelings for her.

On the other side, from the start, he was equally sure about something: That he wanted to go to bed with this sexy lady!

When a new relationship begins, we will always have the same conflict between male and female: He wants to have sex, while she wants to postpone it.

This conflict is rooted in our evolution, and reaches millions of years back. This conflict is also a determining factor in the process of falling in love. If it is skipped, because the female is willing to mate right away, then he will jump at the occasion and that was it. In all likelihood, the whole affair is likely to develop into a merely sexual affair.

But if a woman insists on a long time of ‘betrothal’, as it is her nature, he may take off, because things are becoming too complicated. Only if a couple finds a way out of this dilemma, by compromising in a way that sets free energy and excitement while negotiating, love can develop.

Both want to be ahead by a nose

While surfing my website, you will often come across a facet in love that is of crucial importance: it is power. The one who is less interested in the relationship is automatically in charge.

Lovers are subconscious rivals for the dominance in a relationship

Lovers are subconscious rivals for the dominance in a relationship

Love is inseparably tied to the hidden desire of dominance over the partner – I know it sounds strange, but sadly, that’s the way it is!

I recall a song by the Stones: „Under my thumb”, which illuminates those efforts quite well. When I fall in love with a woman, I automatically end up „under her thumb”. My love for her gives her power over me, if I like it or not! All of a sudden, my psychological wellbeing depends on her. Everybody who went through unrequited love knows what I am talking about and how much we feel at the other one’s mercy.

When love is mutual we don’t feel the other one’s power because our own power over him neutralizes it and creates a balance!

Above all, power means safety. Each lover strives to get this safety, because the mere notion of the other one leaving seems unbearable. Therefore, it is very important for me that my sweetheart loves me just as much as I love her. Or even better: She loves me a bit more than I love her, just so I am on the safe side.

This analysis may sound awfully calculating and sober, but actually, in real life it doesn’t happen that way, because these intentions run on perfectly subconscious tracks.

This tug of war in our psychological underground is a perfectly normal process and even desirable, because the energy it creates fuels our love and so keeps it alive. However, power is also a double- edged sword.

Too much power will ruin love

Fotolia_39596944_XS - KopieSo if I really manage to have her loving me more than I love her, I will feel more safety, but paradoxically, this safety will also take away a part of my love for her.

It is a basic biological principle that all beings try to get control over an important part of their existence. Only through obtaining this control is there enough peace of mind to focus energy onto other unsolved problems. There is no other way to deal with life.

This is why nature programmed us in such a way that our emotions will drastically decrease once we have achieved superiority and security.

The one in control can’t fall in love

Since Suzanne was looking for a husband, she was in the inferior position from the start. It hadn’t even crossed her boyfriend’s mind if she would make a good wife. But when he sensed Suzanne’s strong interest in him, he automatically obtained control over the relationship. Only if the situation had been unpredictable for him, thus causing tension and excitement, if he had had less control, there would have been enough room for love to develop and then he would have been open for more than just sex.

Paradoxically, by wanting, Suzanne’s is now in an inferior position preventing her from obtaining that very thing she wanted the most!

Conclusion

Dear Ladies, I hope I was able to show you how a great woman can unintentionally manoeuvre herself into a position where her admirer won’t fall in love with her, but is perfectly happy with casual dates only.

I don’t want to deny the possibility that you can also have a wonderful relationship if you have sex with him early on! But it is clearly not the rule.

Today, it’s not an issue anymore if you feel attracted to a man and only want to be friends with benefits. If that’s what you’re looking for…!

But please be aware that love may put a spoke in your wheel, because having sex and orgasms will tie a woman much more to a man than vice versa!

And if a woman only intends to have a few sex dates, but then falls in love with him and is at the end of her wits, she can’t blame anybody but herself!

But if you are sure that your goal is a committed relationship and that you want your man to fall in love with you, then you have to play it safe, even today, in the 21 century. You will have to stick to your million year old script or risk a shipwreck!

You can only afford to gamble here, if you look like Heidi Klum. If you look the top model, you can go to bed with any normal guy – and he will adore you anyway.

But if you don’t think of yourself as a drop dead beautiful type, if you worry about a small flaw here and a little imperfection there, then do yourself a favour and play it slow and safe. Even if he’s urging you and you begin to worry about losing him, take your time. If he leaves you now, because you’re „being difficult”, be glad you lost him now and not later, you just spared yourself a bad heart-break. Think of it this way:

Even a super model will play it safe when she meets someone on her own level: a „global player”. Of course she will!

Never forget: He will not fall in love with you, because you are willing, because you are not. 😎

If you are stuck in a sex date affair

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If you have ended up as the ‘sex date’ of a guy, getting out if this will be just as difficult for you as for the „nice guy”, who spends his days courting a foxy lady. Perhaps you’ve got it a little bit better, because your sweetheart is keen on having sex with you.

If you can use this little bit of power you’ve got here, you may be able to turn the tables on him.

The price we all have to pay for having control is always a decrease of feelings for the one we have control over. That’s why your ‘sex date’ doesn’t love you as much as you love him, or else you’d be having a completely normal relationship and not only sex dates.

With one exception: if your man is not able to build close relationships with others, then he has an emotional deficit that is beyond your reach.

If you want to change a sex date relationship into something serious, your strategy has to be showing some independence.

He’s got to get the impression that your love is headed south. Only if he begins to worry about losing you, his behaviour will change and he may discover feelings for you of which he didn’t think they existed! I have seen the most incredible things here!

But you have to stop clinging to him and blaming him for the things he is doing or not doing! Of course he is not stupid and will see the love behind your sulking and nagging..

He will also know how to calm you down, so that your sex dates can continue…!

But if you can bring up some self control and stop complaining, he will begin to worry, because he has never seen you like this before! Only then he can realize that your discontent may have turned into indifference and, of course, that’s bad news for him!

Sometimes it will be a clever strategy to deny him sex, and sometimes it is not.

It’s good, if you seem to have lost interest in him. It’s not good, if he thinks your denial is spiteful.

Whatever it is that you do, he shouldn’t see any anger – just waning interest.

Perhaps occasionally cancel a date with him, even if it is hard for you and do something with your girlfriends instead. Only if he sees that you are drifting away from him he will make an effort to keep you from leaving. If you don’t make it too easy for him, he may genuinely fall in love with you. This is absolutely possible!

These suggestions are an attempt to turn back the hands of time to the beginning of your relationship – to reset it’s future direction.

I am fully aware that this strategy can only offer a general line. And individual cases require individual solutions. But I’ve provided you with a provisory roadmap, so that you get an idea of where the journey will be taking you, if you want to have a true relationship, instead of occasional sex dates on somebody else’s terms.
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