A secret love hurts – the online counseling

Greg is in love

For the past months, Greg has been jumping out of bed in the mornings. He’s been looking forward to the new day and to work – and he’s never felt this way before! He’s fallen in love with his new colleague – Amanda. It happened right on the very first day he met her. Her beautiful eyes, her gorgeous hair, her sweet smile, her sexy body, everything about her – what a dream woman!

And she seems to like him as well. But somehow, things don’t really go forward. It doesn’t seem to go past a heartfelt comradeship, perhaps because they are colleagues…? Greg does not have a clue how to act or even how to approach her.

You’ll find help in a forum

Fotolia_36616333_XS

With the internet it’s easy to find advice in discussions! Since Greg registered in a heart break forum and posted his problem, the forum members unanimously agree that Amanda simply has to learn about his secret love. How is it supposed to go forward if Amanda doesn’t know how he feels? Greg, they say, should get up the nerve and tell her. End of story!

Greg broke into a cold sweat when he read this.  How in the heavens do you „confess your feelings”? With his previous girlfriends – and he’s had a few – it wasn’t necessary. Things just happened naturally.  But with Amanda, things are so strange and she is so special!  Greg is afraid of ruining everything with the wrong move. On the other hand, he is at the end of his rope.

Just now, he received another message from her, asking if he would like to spend the evening with her, and would she be doing this if she didn’t care about him? Would a woman do this if a man didn’t mean a thing to her?

Greg has a feeling like he will soon go crazy…. and whenever they meet, everything is so perfect … they talk for hours about everything under the sun.  They are like one heart and one soul…. perfect harmony…

Never before has he felt this way with a woman.  However, whenever he’s taking her home, she will thank him for the wonderful evening, flash her teeth at him in a stunning smile, give him a peck on the cheek and say: „See you soon!!” …Out she jumps and – bang – she‘s gone. And once again Greg will sit in his car; sad, lonely and feeling like a hunter who missed the target. Another wonderful evening- over….worthless.

The forum members are getting impatient…

WolfgangThumbsDown

Meanwhile, the forum members are on their hind legs trying to help poor Greg into a real romance with his lovely Amanda. Ironically, they are getting close to pushing him into it. Some of the more assertive members are already scolding him for anxiously postponing the ticklish endeavour and 2 of them were so annoyed with his „counseling-resistance”, that they have left the topic.

The others are still wildly speculating about Amanda having a long distance affair, or being a lesbian, or… anything is possible! Deep down inside Greg already regrets having asked for their advice; he cannot help but feel an insurmountable aversion against telling her.

But what if, she is indeed waiting, for more from him? On the other hand, he is sure he will get a rejection. And if he won’t tell her, then at least there is hope…for tomorrow…or next week…maybe next month….? The uncertainty is driving him mad…and to top it off: last week he almost caused an accident while absent-mindedly driving.

Sometimes, love is unrequited

Meanwhile, a new user has joined the internet community and has described a love story from a few years ago. It is nearly identical to Greg’s situation. Just like Greg, the new member had been waiting and waiting… until he finally confessed his love to her. The result was a catastrophe – the lady was obviously flabbergasted and said that unfortunately, she was unable to return his feelings.

The friendship that he would have loved to keep was over as well. From that moment on she seemed uncomfortable even to be in his presence. Whenever he suggested having a cup of coffee, she would always find polite excuses. Needless to say, Greg has been thinking about this story ever since…

Confessions of love are dangerous

Fotolia_43068478_XS - Kopie

Everybody knows them, those heartrending Hollywood love stories with heroes whispering dramatic confessions of love into their ladies ears, who in turn almost faint from delight.

The most famous 3 words in the world are attributed a bewitching power that they fail to possess in comparison to reality. The fatal notion that they will evoke love in the one who hears them still haunts the minds of the lovesick.

What an error!  The opposite is true! If a relationship begins after such a confession, in most cases it didn’t happen because of it, but despite of it!

I know just how weird this must sound…!

 

Power balance is important in love

Waage_mitHintergrund

In case you have been browsing my website a bit, you may have noticed that I am talking about „power balance’ quite a lot. The balance of power plays a major role in all human interactions and perhaps even the lead part. A good power balance is crucial for falling in love – or not. Having too much power will have different effects on women and men, but the result will always be the same:  Love will not develop.

If a man is more interested in a woman than she is interested in him, she will develop feelings of friendship for him, if she likes his personality and intellect.  He will then end up as her good friend, but that has nothing to do with love.

If a woman is more interested in the man than he is interested in her, he will have the power in the relationship, and won’t fall in love.
But if he finds her physically attractive, he won’t let the chance go by to have sex with her, but without big emotions and love. She will end up as his „sex date”.

Unfortunately, it’s always the wrong type of men who make all the confessions of love. Those, who should avoid it, will insist on doing so while those who could say it without any negative effects, won’t.

The first type is driven by an untameable desire to reveal his love to her, and while hoping to conquer her runs into an open blade. The second type doesn’t find it necessary to make any confessions, which is basically true, but of course his lady will disagree.

Since men only tend to confess their love when all else has failed, they need to be told to stop this nonsense, because it will only result in humiliation and disappointment.

If a man doesn’t get anywhere with a woman, it’s hardly ever due to the shy nature of his loved one, but because he is simply not her type, or because she has yet to be hit by Cupid’s arrow.

Sometimes love is not „in sync”

Some acquaintances will never develop into love stories, simply because the two are poorly in sync. One of the two is moving much faster than the other and so the latter will never catch up emotionally because the faster one never ever makes a stop. In other words, the one with the big emotions involuntarily ‘makes sure’ that the emotions of the other will stay small.  And if he ever tops his efforts with a confession of love, he will achieve the opposite of what he intended: His partner will now realize that he will never be able to catch up with the one whose love is moving faster.

Game over –  they split

In case our unlucky rejected lover one day falls in love again, and his Ex hears of it, it’s quite possible that the ex will be overwhelmed with deep feelings of love and sadness, because now, the other one has become inaccessible. This fact can set free blocked emotions,-but unfortunately much too late. Their love was truly ‘out of sync’.

Love is a spontaneous phenomenon

Just like humour, falling in love is a spontaneous phenomenon. The laughter a joke evokes is triggered by the unpredictable surprise of the punch line. We don’t know, how it will end, and not knowing will create space for fun and joy. Even the best joke won’t make us laugh anymore if we already know the punch line. But a surprise will set free feel-good hormones, a joke, as well as falling in love.

Falling in love can therefore only take place if there is a certain amount of unpredictability and insecurity – on both sides!

Greg is lucky

Greg, however, is lucky in 2 ways: Firstly, he now thinks that he won’t tell his colleague about his love, and secondly, out of the blue, he receives a personal message in his internet forum, containing a convincing analysis of his situation.

The coach

The coach

A specialist for relationship problems stumbled across his case while surfing the web, and has been monitoring the development with a slight amusement.

Finally, when Greg seemed to be seriously thinking about confessing his love, the specialist couldn’t hold back any longer and sent him a warning message.
.

                       His love was simply too big

From the start, Greg’s handicap in the whole story was that he was so impressed by her that it showed. He was totally enthralled by her, and so he was way too kind, too helpful, and much too nice. He was always available, whenever she needed him at work or in her home. For Amanda, Greg was like an open book, and within a very short time, she knew him inside out.

There was nothing left in him that could still surprise her, mystify her and baffle her. There was nothing to worry or ponder about. With him, she felt warm and dry. She noticed his strong affection, of course she did – without any confessions. So far so good! But there weren’t any butterflies in her stomach, even though Greg was a truly attractive man. Greg had become Amanda’s ‘good friend’, her buddy, the nightmare for every man.

Forging a strategy

Fotolia_44083406_XS

The above description was the specialist’s analysis. He knew that distance would be the only remedy here. Greg would have to stop the „nice guy” strategy he had been using to make himself indispensable.

A good start was the trip he had planned with 2 friends and which was now due. He refrained from giving her long phone calls – which he would have done to keep the contact. His text messages were friendly but general. So she had to contact him to find out how he was doing, and she did.

When he was back, he just called her briefly:  „Hey, I’m back”, along with some comments about the hotel and the weather. Another fortunate circumstance happened:  Greg was sent to work in another department for a short while, which reduced the contact between them tremendously. He also reduced private contacts, saying he was inundated with work and too tired in the evenings.

He cancelled a date they had on a Sunday, saying that he was in bed with a bad cold, which was the truth. He noticed with joy that she seemed to have „withdrawal symptoms” and obviously missed him. A colleague told him that she wondered if he had a new girlfriend.  He was thrilled to hear this, because it showed that the strategy kicked in.

One Friday night, when he took her home late from a movie, nothing was the way it used to be:

While saying Good night, she hugged him and held him tight, and told him how much she had missed him…. and the new level was sealed with a long, tender kiss. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
.

Fotolia_51467871_XS