The first time – the online sexual – counseling

Fear of the first time” can erase desire


©stryjek /

Sylvia is a beautiful 16 year old. For 3 months now she has had a boyfriend and she is still a virgin.  Her boyfriend is three years older and, unfortunately, is beginning to put subtle pressure on her, making her feel as if he is not willing to wait much longer. As a result, she is now thinking about doing it for „the first time”.

But Sylvia is worried about her„ first time” because she is afraid of pain and doesn’t feel 100 % ready. The mere notion of having to see a dentist or having her blood taken makes her feel anxious and upset. And now that Sylvia’s best friend has described her „first time”, it makes Sylvia break out in a cold sweat when she merely thinks about her future „first time”!  Her anxiety is so severe, that she even briefly considered getting an artificial defloration by her gynecologist, but – she quickly dismissed this option.

A situation like this, of course, is an unfortunate platform for any girl to start her sexual experience from, because it might affect her psycho-sexual development negatively if she is not yet 100 % ready for the „first time”, and feels forced by a man, urging her into it.

The „first time” can be a defining moment, laying the foundation for a sexual neurosis which may reach far into adulthood. If there is too much fear of the defloration pain in its attempt to avoid the painful penetration, the body may produce less necessary lubrication plus a cramping of the vagina’s region of entrance.
This is a difficult situation for her boyfriend, as it necessitates a lot of sensitivity and empathy on his side. If the first attempt fails and several ones thereafter as well, a spasmodic reaction may become chronic for a girl and cause a life long aversion against sex.

The „first time”-sometimes never


©NinaMalyna /

When young girls fall in love and want to have a boyfriend, sex may not be on top of their list – and that is quite normal.  And if she is important to him and if he loves her, it is self-understood that he will wait until she is completely ready. However, this situation can also present a psychological dilemma he can hardly find a way out of since he would like to have sex, but she would like to wait, she will eventually become the superior in the relationship.

With his hormones turning somersaults, making it hard to focus on anything else, he will try to court her in all possible ways to gain her approval. This may shift the power to her side because he appears needy, and she is in the position of either granting her favors or not.

A woman’s sexual interest will arise when she can look up to a man and admire him, this is exactly how we have evolved as a species, in order that a good man is chosen for procreation and good genes are passed on. This is a default mode which is deeply rooted in women and is taking place subconsciously. Her sexual interest in him will be strongest in the first moments of a romance, when everything is still new and uncertain. In this initial phase, each has about the same amount of power in the relationship.

The advantages the man after him may enjoy

If for the above mentioned reasons the “first time” won’t take place in the initial phase and an everyday routine has crept in, ‘her’ sexual motivation will slowly decrease, until a paradox situation will arise that a girl is not fully aware of:
Initially, it was her anxiety that prevented sex, but now, after 6 months of waiting, she has lost interest altogether.  It is for the most part predictable that she will fall in love with someone else eventually and this time,  she may have the “first time” with her new man after a relatively short time.

The „first time” can go wrong

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© Anja Roesnick/

David is a shy, sexually inexperienced young man. His friends have talked him into coming along to a brothel so that he too will have his first time. For David, a prostitute is unrivaled when it comes to sexual experience, but unfortunately, this is creating a precarious interpersonal situation when it comes to the power balance between the two. To make things worse, his friends arranged for the best-looking prostitute for him, but she is the type of woman he would not even dare to talk to in real life, because he simply doesn’t play in her league.

In this way, any type of male dominance – as it is desirable when it comes to sexuality -, is sorely missing in David.  Quite predictably, when he finally ends up in bed with her, David feels so inadequate, compared to her,  that he is not able to get an erection, his failure is gnawing away on his self confidence and is leaving deep wounds in his soul.

Needless to say that later in life, when David falls in love with a girl and his affection is being returned, he will be anxious about the first time once again. His worries about failing will of course help to manifest the very situation he is trying to avoid, like a self fulfilling prophecy. With his trust in himself undermined, his body simply won’t function in a normal way.

The „first time” is stressful

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Having sex for the first time could be compared to a kind of ‘exam situation’ for a young man in which he can either win or lose.  If there is an emotional imbalance between the two lovers, the first time can develop into a huge challenge for the one who is more engaged. If one of the two loves the other one more, or is more interested in having a relationship, this relationship will not be emotionally symmetric.

A situation like this will inevitably create a dominant and a subdominant partner, for the simple reason, that the one who loves the other one more will become the needy inferior, and the one who loves less will become the granting or denying superior.

As we can see, love and power are closely tied together, whether intended or not, and play a crucial role, especially for the first time. The Subdominant, whether male or female,  will always be a bit tense and under pressure, because he will make more efforts for the other one than will be made for him. You could say, that for one partner the prevailing feeling is safety, with a slight flavor of boredom, while the other one is experiencing a lot of passion and drama. While looking around in my website, you will come across this issue frequently.

Relationships are very rarely quite symmetrical, and imbalances will cause effects – for men slightly different ones than for women.

The „first time” can be dangerous

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© Lorenz Timm/

If a young man is more in love with his girlfriend than vice versa and his dream girl is sexually more experienced, the first time can become a great psychological challenge for him, quite like a test in which he feels he must score. But in this way he is creating pressure for himself, tied to the fear of not being good enough, even more so since she is experienced and can compare him to others. It would be a miracle, if he would end up content with his skills as a lover. And after the first time, the power may have shifted to her side even more, because he feels even more insecure.

Her love is very important



Things look much better for a young man though, if his girlfriend is very much in love with him. In this relaxed and comfortable situation, he needn’t worry that it may affect the relationship negatively, even if the „first time” was no smashing success. She won’t take it too seriously and if he is patient with himself as well, he will eventually gain the security that it takes to be a good lover.