Impotence – online sexual counseling


We are speaking of an erectile dysfunction (from now on called ED) if the degree and duration of an erection is insufficient for intercourse. The penis will either be completely or partially limp. Upon entering, the erection will either vanish instantly or shortly after.

Most men only experience ED when trying to have intercourse.

If masturbation is also impossible and there are no erections at night or in the early morning, organic reasons are a possibility. Seeing your urologist is then imperative. There are several illnesses which could cause this phenomenon, thus, a diagnosis is necessary. But organic impotence will not be the subject of this treaty; I want to focus on „psychogenic impotence” which is caused by conflicts and subconscious fears of loss. Impotence can be seen as a dysfunctional psychosomatic occurrence.

Impotence is rooted in primeval times

If a man has a functional disorder, such as premature ejaculation, or impotence, or any other physical or emotional dysfunction, it is important to keep in mind that those dysfunctions can stem from adaptation mechanisms which took place in our past as a species and is constantly refining itself.

However, if those mechanisms are activated today, they can create great havoc. To learn more about our biology and evolution can actually help to overcome the disorder when it is seen in context with our evolution.

In the following example I will show you how a man’s self confidence, -which is closely tied to his social status-, plays the leading role in developing an impotence disorder. Of course he is not a real person. Any similarities with living persons are a mere coincidence.

Loss of status and impotence


© Gina Sanders /

James once was a department manager in a large company. 6 months ago he got laid off because his firm went bankrupt. He is 34 and has been married to Eve, 29, an attractive personal secretary, for 3 years.

So far, their marriage has been going well, and their sex life was great. But suddenly, out of the blue, Eve’s passionate lover had a problem:

It was difficult to get a hard erection and he also had premature ejaculations. Soon, sex became a source of frustration for both James and Eve. He consulted an urologist who told him that he was perfectly healthy. He received medication which improved his erectile disorder to a certain degree, but he still had premature ejaculations and was understandably upset.

Eventually, he lost interest in sex altogether because it only ended in frustration. James withdrew from his wife and even avoided casual tender touches. Eve became more and more upset. She couldn’t make head or tail of the whole situation. And James was not able to describe his situation to her. Eventually she concluded that he must have lost interest in her.

Mutual misunderstandings led to feelings of irritation in both, and occasional outbursts and arguments were followed by sulking for days. To get away from her problems for a while, Eve went on a 3 week holiday with a good friend.

James, however, ran into his colleague Suzie, a girl who had always fancied him. Due to feeling lonely, he went to have a cup of coffee with her. It is no surprise that they ended up in bed. What was less predictable is that he had forgotten his „erection pills”, but – it didn’t matter in the least, because he was as hard as a rock and lasted for quite a while!

But why was James impotent with Eve, but not with Suzie?

Quite simple: James is not an adequate sex partner for Eve anymore! This conclusion was of course only made by his sub-conscious, -and completely against his own will.

It is helpful to take a look at the animal kingdom here, so we get a better understanding for the evolutionary mechanisms pulling the strings here, -since all higher species have to deal with basically the same basic issues when it comes to mating.

Only the best males will procreate


© János Németh /

Usually, male animals will compete with each other for the females and this rivalry is also the reason why many males are larger and more aggressive than the females!

Within seconds, males must be able to switch from courting to fighting. While courting a female, chasing a rival off his territory may become necessary, as well as quickly courting her again before a new rival appears.

Therefore, male sexual behaviour will always contain a mix of different motivations: on the one side, there are feelings of ‘love’, on the other side; there is aggressiveness and domination towards the rival as well as towards the female.  Naturally, females will always choose the winners and of course winners are not intimidated by females and don’t feel inferior to them.

However, if it happens that a male IS inferior to a female, for instance because he is still very young or inexperienced, she will at once lose interest in sex with him, because she can’t view him as a good partner to mate with. He will also realize that he doesn’t play in her league and will stop all further efforts, as a waste of time and energy. In terms of biology: it will be a better pay off for him to look for another, more suitable mate.

These age old adaptations exist in most vertebrates and also in humans and are the reason why, in men, fear doesn’t go well with erotic feelings, but aggression and dominance do. It’s the opposite for women: Their sexuality will not be fuelled by dominance, but by apprehension and obedience. I know this is a ticklish subject, and I am not advocating husbands should scare their wives to arouse them! I incline to be just a neutral observer of nature, sharing this as neutral information.

Attitude matters

But let’s return to James and his impotence:

James had always been very ambitious. He wanted to make it in life. His position as a manager was very important for him and his self confidence was based on it. His wife had a good job as well, but in comparison to his success, hers was humble.

Fotolia_50621344_XS - Kopie


Therefore, when he lost his job James’ entire fundament was crushed. On an imaginary career ladder, the Alpha male had fallen all the way from the top to the bottom.

Deep down inside, he felt deeply shamed before his wife – as if it had been his fault to lose his job.
The loss of status was then making it impossible for him to have a satisfying sex life with her, although her view of the situation was completely different from his!

On a subconscious level he now saw her as a Superior and – as a threat. Himself, he saw as a loser who had lost the right to copulate with a higher ranking female. An inhibition mechanism then kicked in and throttled the blood flow to his procreation organ.

Sex in primeval times was sometimes dangerous

Let’s now talk a bit more about premature ejaculation. Mating is a dangerous thing to do in the whole animal kingdom! Copulating animals are distracted, but at the same time also arouse the attention of others, which makes the couple an easy game for predators. This is also the reason why mating is usually dealt with in a hurry.

But for human beings, sex doesn’t only have just one function – procreation.  It is also supposed to deepen the bond between the partners. To enhance this effect, nature grants us a luxurious amount of time for indulging in sensual pleasures, but in old times, lovers could be caught off guard and devoured by a sabre-toothed tiger!

Of course, nature also provided a remedy for this situation:  premature ejaculation. PE is probably nothing new, but just a relict from old times, which will self-activate in moments where men feel endangered. If a sapient saw a sabre-toothed tiger while having sex, he ejaculated on the spot and both took flight.

The nervous circuit which is responsible for ejaculation is situated in the lower spine and will get an overload of stimulation through both fear and arousal and stop intercourse to save lives! By losing his status as a provider James now felt so intimidated by his wife as if she were the sabre tooth tiger herself!

For the other one he’s a hero – and potent

Fotolia_15756143_XS gisi

©Sue Colvil /

But he can still see Suzie, his colleague, as the little apprentice and his inferior, making sheep’s eyes at him. He needs to feel a big difference in rank to sexually function and with her, his Alpha position is still intact.

The bad thing about impotence is that it is probably a lot more common now than it once used to be. Physical love has become yet another manifestation of our pleasure seeking performance society and so, in itself, poses a threat to male „performance”, since the archaic mechanism of impotence gets activated by the fear of inadequacy.

Sexual counseling aims at breaking the vicious circle

Like any other physical disorder, impotence can be reinforced by a vicious psychological circle which helps to maintain and reinforce it.

Symptoms such as ED will easily cause anxiety and anxiety makes the original syndrome worse. In other words: The fear of impotence alone will produce it! Thus, psychosomatic disorders will always have 2 components: An initial symptom and a neurotic intensifier.

It can also happen that the reason why a symptom developed will vanish, but the results stay because the loop now keeps maintaining itself. In counseling it is therefore very important to pay special heed to this vicious circle.

However, the reason for a man’s impotence is rarely as obvious as in James’ case. Often, reasons are covered, especially, when the problem began quite a while ago. But this doesn’t matter much because the remedy relies on breaking the vicious circle. Since a man’s self-confidence is so closely tied to his potency, without a doubt, it is terrible for him to fail in sex. However, it requires self confidence to ‘succeed’!
Therefore, sexual counselling will always aim at allowing him to understand the inner forces which help to maintain his problem, with the goal of reducing a compulsively overachieving attitude.

Viagra and Co will break the vicious circle!


© Schlierner /

Fortunately, with a bit of luck, modern pharmaceuticals cannot only treat the physical problems, but also break the fatal vicious circle of impotence and thus remove causes, not only symptoms. The knowledge that medication will get a symptom as eerie as impotence under control, will often instantly stop stress and anxiety during intercourse.

If the reasons for impotence are indeed merely “in the mind”, the dosage can soon be reduced as the man’s self confidence grows. And if a man finally arrives at the notion that he really mustn’t „perform” every single time, he won’t need it anymore!

Before Viagra, it was often very difficult to de-condition a psychogenic impotence. Therapy, with a patient partner, was often the only chance. Things became so much easier with Viagra, but these substances also have considerable side effects – as severe as death. Self-medication, as a lifestyle drug, is very risky and therefore unacceptable. A health check and sexual counselling should take place BEFORE taking Viagra. Of course a test with Viagra will be made before any extended counselling, and last but not least; because the patient wants to try a method that seems easy.

Counseling and therapy may be necessary

Medication won’t always bring good results or may have too severe side effects to continue. Sexual counseling can then help a couple to enjoy sexuality once again. The goal of this therapy is always to dissolve the fears and expectations a man may have. Since impotence is always affecting the couple as a unity, both partners need to work together in this and the woman’s cooperation is of crucial importance.
The goal of counselling is that the partners will practice some „exercises” which have no erotic character whatsoever in the beginning.

The de-conditioning of impotence

Caressing, stage 1

Caressing, 2 or 3 times a week, aims at dissolving the anticipatory anxiety that will arise in an impotent man during each physical contact. Tenderly caressing and massaging each other can be done even while dressed and includes the whole body – but not the erogenous zones.

Caressing, stage 2

In stage 2, the erogenous zones of both, and the breasts of the woman will be touched very lightly and casually, but not stimulated. It shouldn’t lead to any arousal. Sessions should last about 30 minutes, with the partners alternating every 5 minutes.

The crucial thing here is that having sex is strictly forbidden!

The couple shouldn’t get carried away too early, since the de-conditioning process of fears and expectations in the man will take a while and has to be done in small steps to be effective. It’s very important that the man learns to enjoy physical contact without any fear of failure! In a playful atmosphere this effect is most likely to occur.

Caressing while exploring

During this exercise, partners will do the same as in stage 2; only explore each others genitals with eyes and fingers. The goal is not to get aroused – if this happens, the exercise should be stopped and continued after the arousal has vanished! The goal is to feel more secure, more self-confident and more comfortable with the own and other one’s body.

Stimulating caresses

While doing this exercise, the subject is to play with „fire”!

The partners will stimulate each other, manually or orally, and will then stop – to let all arousal dissipate, only to then start arousing each other again. The man is supposed to experience without feeling any anxiety how his arousal will come and go, just like his erection. After playing this game three times, a climax while „playing with fire” is allowed.

Inserting the penis

These exercises should be done like the previous ones, only with additional penetration. It’s not important how hard the penis is, and can also be inserted by the woman while not very hard. Here it is important to show that the focus is not on the erection. After insertion, both should not move. If he had an erection before entering, it will now be normal that without further stimulation it will disappear. When soft again, the penis should be withdrawn, and after manual stimulation be inserted again. After repeating this, the partners can now bring each other to a climax, but without penetration.

The next step in the exercises can include normal intercourse.

Of course counseling needs to be like a custom-made suit. Some couples can go faster, some need more time; nothing here is set in stone and the counsellor’s intuition and sensitivity are very important. Relapses are also possible, and couples may need to do some exercises again.

Of course the whole procedure sounds quite technical and un-erotic; but actually it is not. Plus – if a couple wants to get rid of the problem, there is no getting around this! Without the patient support of his woman, a man won’t get rid of it either. So sexual counselling will always aim at keeping the woman’s spirit up, especially when things are moving slow.

Impotence and couple conflict

Sometimes, impotence can also mirror a man’s subconscious defensive stance towards the relationship, rooted in a deeper conflict between the two. In this case, counseling can become difficult, because the symptom has a deeper meaning for both. Men who rank lower in the marriage than the wife often have erection problems. When they try to tackle the problem now, the woman’s participation is often only half-heartedly. Her superior position simply doesn’t allow her to sympathize with his symptom as much as necessary.

Since the recommended practices will be handicapped by a lack of sympathy, his impotence will stay.  Therapy and counseling can even reinforce it because the power imbalance becomes even more obvious: Therefore, reducing the power imbalance should come before sexual counselling and may even make counseling unnecessary…