A lack of sexual interest in women is a big topic

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Peter and Andrea are teachers in their thirties, married since 7 years; and they have 2 children, 3 and 6 years old. For others, they seem to be the ideal couple, good-looking and intelligent, and sharing similar views about life and leisure time activities.
They are a picture book couple.
But nobody knows that Andrea has lost all interest in sex since she’s had her second child, without any plausible explanation.
For Peter, his wife’s loss of interest is a torture, because he loves and desires her very much. And Andrea loves him just as much as before.

But she just doesn’t feel like having sex with him anymore…

For Andrea, her lack of desire is less of a problem than for Peter:

Free of desire and busy with job, house and children, she is quite happy and content.
Only sometimes, a small fear arises: that Peter might leave her due to a missing sex life.

They have already tried a lot to overcome her disinterest:

She’s been to a doctor, she stopped taking the pill and both of them consulted a marriage counsellor. But to no avail. They eventually stopped seeing the counsellor because she compulsively tried to find subconscious conflicts between the two as a trigger for Andrea’s problem.

But they don’t have any problems, except for her disinterest.

Peter tried to help her overcome the problem by supporting and helping her in the household and with the children even more than he did before.
Romantic weekends away from home were supposed to give her a new kick, but nothing they ever tried helped in any way.
And whenever they did end up having sex, Andrea seemed to enjoy it, but was regularly struck down with a terrible migraine the day after, while normally she never even had headaches.

It appears, as if in Andrea’s psyche or mind, a separation between sex and love has taken place. Her desire is long dead, but her love is still alive.

Sexual disinterest in women stems from primordial times

In worldwide studies, scientists have discovered amazing divorce patterns which allow us to view a lack of interest in women who lived in long term relationships from another angle.

Most divorces occur after 4 years, so that the famous 7 year itch is actually a 4 year itch.

The results are so significant, that they leave little doubt. It appears as if we had a built in psychological mechanism which limits being madly in love to a certain time and a lack of sexual interest chimes in the end.

If you are interested in the details of this mechanism, please see the PDF file: “The man-woman conflict as explained by evolutionary biology” (under construction!)

A vicious circle reinforces the lack of interest

The power within a marriage is balanced if both partners feel the same need and love for each other. We could call it a mutual and symmetrical emotional dependency.

Each new, important influence that is coming from outside, -whether it is emotional or something else- can disturb this balance and change the emotional response to the other.
Once imbalances begin to arise they could be described as arranging themselves in a circle and so reinforcing each other. These circular neurotic mechanisms also play a significant role for the sexual disinterest and prevent that 2 people can deal with each other in an unbiased way.

But this would be crucial to overcome a lack of desire.

His desire puts her fire out…

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As already mentioned before, there seems to be an evolutionary mechanism which decreases the attractiveness of a husband, and even more so if the couple have children.

However, this spontaneously arising phenomenon is not accessible for a woman by will.
It’s just as impossible as trying to sleep “deeper” or to fall in love with a particular person.

But since our free will is very important to us, we also often trap ourselves in the “be spontaneous!” paradox. The common statement: “you are responsible for your own lust” is wrong, because nobody can take over responsibility for something he has no control over.

On the other hand, sexual indifference gives a woman a great piece of independence and autonomy, and pushes the power in the relationship quite a bit to her side.

Since he is still interested in sex, sex becomes a precious treasure for him, – which is managed by her.  All of a sudden, he will find himself in the position of the needy and dependant, and through this, the inferior.

Sexual disinterest will provide a woman with great unwanted and unknown power over him.

The tragic aspect of this is that once a woman has gained great emotional overbalance, no matter on which level, her sexual interest will always decrease.

And this is a vicious circle: Because she is less interested in her man due to evolutionary reasons, she has more power. Because she has more power, she loses interest in sex even more.

Since she can’t get rid of her indifference, she feels pushed into a corner by his attempts to get sex, which irritate her quite understandably. While his desire for her increases, she builds up defensive walls whilst losing interest in him even more.

If 2 people enjoy an otherwise interesting and rewarding relationship, they can usually deal with this in a mature way. They can sit down and talk about it and work out new ways to deal with her disinterest.

Sex dates against disinterest

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In some cases, having a date for sex is a good way to take some pressure out of the system.
Having a rendezvous has a great advantage.

His constant drooling and besieging her will come to an end and will give her space to breathe and to tip toe out of her corner.

The disadvantage is, -and it is a huge one,-that she will have to become sexually active although she is bored to death.

If this method is a solution, it depends on how far “gone” she already is. If she has crossed a point of no return, her indifference is irreversible, and an arrangement to have sex dates will turn her indifference into aversion, but only with her husband.

But if the couple is lucky, and the appetite will grow while eating, they can slowly dig themselves out of the hole.

Of course, with those tricks we can’t get rid of the biological programming we have, but we can stop the reinforcing mechanisms.

The problem of indifference will continue to latently exist, and each couple will have to deal with subconscious motivations aiming at making lovers comrades.

Sexual indifference leads to booming swinger clubs

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An increasing number of couples try to escape their sexual dilemma by opening up to third parties. “Open marriages” and couples’ clubs are becoming more and more frequent.
Since sexual indifference also has to do with familiarity and habits, including other partners this can enrich a couple’s sex life, but they also have to pay a price in one form or another.

Sexual disinterest due to contempt

Kimona is a medical student, 19 years old, and madly in love. However, sometimes her new lover does things which tend to instantly sober her and leave her feeling indifferent.

Due to circumstances of her childhood, Kimona became an exceptionally mature, responsible adult youth early in life.
Whilst being a guest in her lover’s home, she witnessed how he tussled with his 12 year old brother over the dessert.

Two children arguing over a candy bar–and Kimona’s admiration popped like a soap bubble.
Her own younger brother now appeared much more mature to her than her lover.

 

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Back in the 18 century in France, a squire could pall on a lady if he showed the smallest imperfection when mounting a horse.

Today, a man can lose ground in a relationship if he loses his job, gets crippled or becomes victim to chronic illness, etc and as a result, his wife can end up with less sexual interest. Her emotional and mental love can remain perfectly intact.

Something inside of her will turns off her sex drive; he’s simply not the right partner for procreation anymore.

Other reasons for indifference

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Taking “the pill” can trigger a sexual indifference in women, or reinforce a latent disinterest drastically. Rarely, the pill seems to be the only culprit, as we can see when a woman falls in love with another man and as if by magic, all the desire’s back.

 

 

Sexual disinterest and hormones

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The sex drive or libido is driven by a hormone called Testosterone in both men and women.
Women have lower levels of this hormone by nature, but extremely low levels cause a dead calm in sex drive.
High levels of female hormones, -.estrogens, -will slow down the effect of testosterone as well.

So it all depends on their proportional amount. Checking her hormonal status is therefore always recommendable when a woman has a low sexual interest.
Checking the “male” hormones is often much more important then the female hormones, but is unfortunately often being neglected.

Besides a hormonal imbalance a relative lack of testosterone illness and medication can be a reason for sexual indifference in women.
In this way, depression as well as antidepressants can trigger indifference.

Closeness-distance problems and indifference

If a sexual disinterest regularly appears after a short time in a new relationship, a distinct closeness-distance problem can be the reason. These are caused by childhood experiences.

How to get rid of sexual disinterest

Due to the character of the above mentioned reasons, tackling the problem of sexual indifference directly is seldom successful.
An exception would be a certain sexual practice that she dislikes, but is asked to perform by her partner, causing conflicts between the two.
It’s also possible that he is lacking some basic skills as a lover and is so ruining her experience.
In these cases, sexual counselling can be of great benefit.

If a woman has experienced certain repetitive and frustrating relationship patterns, she can also end up disinterested in sex. If this pattern can be changed and so the bitterness of the wife removed, there is still hope left.

But if the only problem is the usual sexual indifference as it occurs in many otherwise good marriages an explanation of the forces behind it is definitely helpful.

If a woman seeks advice, it can be very helpful and a great relief for a woman to learn it is not “her fault”, but human nature when she doesn’t drool over him anymore as in the initial years All too often women feel like losers and as bad wives, when they don’t meet his expectations of her.

If a man seeks advice for the lack of interest in his partner, he will find a multitude of options and strategies to impact the problem.
The goal of sexual counselling will be that he gains insight into how he added to the indifference to his wife with his behaviour.
Only if he is willing to change, can he help his wife to change.
Even risky strategies, which would change the well trodden paths of their marriage, could increase or renew her interest in him.

 

 

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